“He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice. He’s going to find out who’s naughty or nice.”
For years I thought that line was thrown into Santa Claus Is Coming to Town so parents could trick their kids into behaving. [Editor’s note: Pretty sure that’s exactly why the line is in there.] There is nothing worse for kids than to hear that they’re on the naughty list, and they will gladly be little angels all of December to avoid it.
I wanted to get to the bottom of this alleged list. Does it actually exist? Is it divided into sections? And perhaps the most important question: does Santa actually give reasons for where each person falls on the list?
After some deep digging I can not only can confirm that the list does exist, but CBC Sports has exclusively obtained “Santa’s Naughty-or-Nice List: 2019-20 NHL season.”
I may get myself put on the naughty list just for releasing it, but I’ll take a lump of coal in my stocking in return for exposing the Big Guy’s list.
The Naughty List
Santa’s Notes: Does he think he can pull his pants down and scare that poor woman and not be on the naughty list?
No longer send him: Mustache grooming kit.
Santa’s Notes: Where do I start? He pushed a referee, got fined for elbowing Radko Gudas, then took a page out of Eugene Melnyk’s book and didn’t pay back casino markers.
No longer send him: Track suits for team meetings.
Santa’s Notes: This one makes me angry! Last year he cross-checked Brock Nelson and I immediately wanted to put him on this list. But Mrs. Claus loves him, so I called in a favour and not only did I keep him off the list, but he got away with just a fine. Then he does it again, this time to Viktor Arvidsson.
No longer send him: Sticks, because he uses them as weapons.
Santa’s Notes: Eight goals over his last 109 games? This year alone the Flames have paid him $3 million dollars per goal! This is after I shoved that $42-million US dollar contract into his stocking. It’s not technically stealing, but it’s close.
No longer send him: James Neal poster. Actually on second thought, send it.
The Nice List
Santa’s Notes: I couldn’t believe it when one of the elves told me that his last fine or suspension was in April 2018, but it’s true. Marchand is finally focusing only on scoring, and even when he did say something mean about the concussion spotters, he said he was sorry. Did he get visited by three ghosts or something?
Gift: Career high in points. Perhaps some hardware.
Santa’s Notes: When I saw that video of Matt consoling Jacob Markstrom after Markstrom’s dad passed away, it got really dusty up here in the North Pole. He’s a good boy.
Gift: See what I can do to get Sid back sooner than expected.
Santa’s Notes: He foiled a crime, and if that’s not enough to get on the nice list I don’t know what is. Those people got their bag back thanks to him.
Gift: A superhero cape.
Santa’s Notes: Christmas is a time for giving. He gave up money to sign with Colorado and came out and said he would do it again.
Gift: A division title, maybe even first in the Western Conference.
St. Louis Blues organization
Santa’s Notes: They gave Laila a Stanley Cup ring. ‘Nuff said.
Gift: Laura Branigan box set.